04:03 Nov 16 2011
Times Read: 959
Fear.
It is not something I very often admit. However I do fear. There isn’t a time that goes by that I don’t get fearful that I will lose the memory of you. That I will not remember the way you smelled, the way you made everything better and the way your hair curled when it got too long. I fear that I won’t remember the lines etched in your face and the smile you always wore no matter how bad the moments seemed.
I fear that as I get older, I'll just simply forget.
I found a few pictures of you today. I stared at them with mixtures of love, longing and sadness. I looked at your eyes and seen my eyes, I looked at your smile and seen my smile and I looked at you and seen everything I want to be.
Even after all these years it still hurts. There are times it hurts more than others, but the pain is still around all the time.
I don’t think anyone has, or fully will, move on from the loss of you. There are times I just want to scream because the pain won’t stay buried.
I remember sitting on the couch with you and just talking. I know you knew you were going to die, but you just didn’t know when. I never wanted to think about it. I still don’t, but I do. I am scared I’ll forget the little things. I am terrified I will forget the big things.
It seems like so many things unraveled after you left. It’s like you were the string that held the family together. Now they hand like unraveled twine. It doesn’t matter what is done to keep it together, it always seems to fall apart.
All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me. I wanted you always to be proud of the beliefs you instilled in me and the daughter that you molded. There are times when I sit here and I wonder if you would be proud of me. I’ve handled everything in life the best that I could, but there are times when I feel that it wasn’t enough. I feel like in ways I have let you down and with doing that I in turn let myself down.
I feel that if you were to look at me now, I’d be a disappointment. There are so many things you wanted for me that I know I will never have.
I know I never want to forget you. I know that I hold on to things as much as I shouldn’t. The clothes still in the attic and your purse left the same way it was all those years ago. I still have your old favorite nightgown in my drawer. I know its materialistic stuff. I know that you are not coming back to wear it again. No matter how hard I pray for it to happen, I know it won’t.
I wish I could have taken that picture in to that lawyer that represented the bastard that did this. I wish I could have slammed it down on the table and yelled at him, “Do you see this woman?! Do you see the smile on her face and the life in her eyes? This was my mother. This is what you took from me, her sisters, my father and the rest of our family. I hope this image haunts you every night. Because you chose to make a decision that was wrong, her light was extinguished forever. My mother is gone, is DEAD because of what you ‘thought’ was the proper thing. I wish you’d be the one to hear her screams and not me every night. But that’s not the way it is. I hope your soul rots because of what you did. And I hope this bastard that represents you rots as well.”
But I couldn’t and I still can’t. The most I can do is just wonder and fear that I’ll start to forget.
Sometimes I still ask why, but I know I’ll never have the answer.
God, I miss you, mom. I wish the tears I cried while writing this would cleanse the hurt, but they never do. They just remind me about how much I hate to cry since you’re not here to make it better.
COMMENTS
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imagesinwords
05:41 Nov 28 2011
Awesome :) It's good to be able to share how you feel about people. And it's good for the rest of us to read it, and know.
MooniePie
05:52 Nov 28 2011
It is nice to be able to express how you feel about people. It was so hard to do because each person that surrounds me, they do for reasons that I admire them for.
And with saying that- Thank you for being you, Images. :)
LadyKrystalynDarkstar
06:55 Nov 28 2011
*scuffs feet* awww shucks ....twernt nuthin
♥ I love you ♥
MooniePie
06:56 Nov 28 2011
♥ I love you too ♥
VW39
23:22 Nov 28 2011
They both make my life better, knowing them. :) As do you bunnie.
MooniePie
23:55 Nov 28 2011
I feel the same way about you, Rattie. ♥
Everyone that I spend time with enriches my life or gives me a life lesson. I don't know what I would do without those things. They've shaped me into the person I've become and becoming.
It was super fun to do this, but when you actually sat down to do it, that's when you realize just how hard it was to choose.
braindead66
04:00 Nov 29 2011
I love honey buns mmmmmmmm
Niflheim
06:36 Nov 29 2011
Have I told you yet today that I simply adore, cherish, and loves you?
Cause I totally do, my fluffy bunneh.
♥
:)